Dear Alcohol

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise onsequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call my ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? Furthermore. . . this is not a good time to figure out exactly who these mystery names are in my contact list.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a bowl of cereal with a scoop of ice cream, along with the left over Pakistani/Indian and Chinese and those stale ass chips that I dont even know who bought and wash it all down with a protein shake? I know Im an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 5 minutes to give a cabbie my address or get the key into the lock on my door.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Mullet wigs, sombreros, bows, wrapping of any kind for that matter, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or underwear. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a camera is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person.

Also, the phrase "Let's Fuck" is banned from now on.

6. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy with the crooked teeth, bad breath, squeeky voice, etc. Why are they appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

7. Furthermore: These bizarre hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little punishment for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the surprise 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with that nasty bag of chips, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Its just not fair to let me wake up feeling like a million bucks and give me the sneak attack later that day.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful relationship.

Yours truly,

[Insert Your Name Here]

This cri de coeur is courtesy of Jason from MySpace.