I Really Can't Do This Now

I hooked up with a guy on Saturday evening. It wasn't just a guy. It was our second hook-up in as many weeks. Some gay men might even call it a date. To tell be brutally honest, it was a booty call but that way it ended was totally unexpected and left me in a state of conflicting emotions.

Perhaps it's easier to explain things from the beginning.

Yes, it started as a booty call. We had sex and it was great. Afterwards, we were both lying there in post-orgasmic bliss and before we knew it, we were cuddling and kissing like boyfriends and as we lay in each other's embrace, we held hands, our fingers interlocked. At that time, it brought back a rush of memories and while lying there with him, it just felt so comfortable and familiar (in a good way, not a in a jaded way) and all I could think about was wanting to see him again although part of my mind was telling me that I didn't even know his real name. This isn't the first time I've had boyfriend-type sexual experience with a stranger. Some guys are just about doing the deed but others want more and I just react to the each situation. This time around, it felt different. It was as if there was an emotional connection while we were lying together, possibly because it wasn't our first time together and we both knew that there might be a prospect of further meetings.

I later found out that he had split up with his boyfriend of 6 months at the end of December last year. Maybe we're both on the rebound - perhaps him more than I as I've been single for almost a year now but I'm not sure whether I'm in denial about my not being on the rebound any more. However, I know that what I felt was the beginning of love. It's happened to me before and if I've read his reactions correctly, he might be feeling the same way too.

I'm not looking for love at the moment. My head is telling me that I can't be in a committed relationship as I'm going to be relocating in about 6 months to another continent involving a 12-hour flight and it would be a really bad idea for the both of us. Please don't misunderstand, I don't have a fear of commitment. My previous relationship lasted 6 years and but for my ex's screwing around in my absence, I would have been contented to be with him for the rest of my life. It's just that I can't start anything now as we'd both end up being hurt in a few months.

We've got a dinner date next week (with or without post-prandial sex?) and I've got a few days to think about whether it's too early to tell him that we can only be friends and/or fuck buddies or whether I should leave it till later. I don't want him to misunderstand by telling him now but then again, I don't want to lead him on if we continue "dating". I really like him as a friend and a fuck-buddy but how soon do you tell someone that you don't want a serious relationship? I don't want to hurt his feelings after what happened on Saturday.

I suppose the difficulty is that this is my first relationship with started sexually. In the case of my first two boyfriends, we were friends for several months before we became lovers (I'll tell those stories in separate, future posts) and apart from knowing that what I'm feeling is the beginning of love, I'm (ironically) in virgin territory at the moment.