25 February 2007

I Really Can't Do This Now

I hooked up with a guy on Saturday evening. It wasn't just a guy. It was our second hook-up in as many weeks. Some gay men might even call it a date. To tell be brutally honest, it was a booty call but that way it ended was totally unexpected and left me in a state of conflicting emotions.

Perhaps it's easier to explain things from the beginning.

Yes, it started as a booty call. We had sex and it was great. Afterwards, we were both lying there in post-orgasmic bliss and before we knew it, we were cuddling and kissing like boyfriends and as we lay in each other's embrace, we held hands, our fingers interlocked. At that time, it brought back a rush of memories and while lying there with him, it just felt so comfortable and familiar (in a good way, not a in a jaded way) and all I could think about was wanting to see him again although part of my mind was telling me that I didn't even know his real name. This isn't the first time I've had boyfriend-type sexual experience with a stranger. Some guys are just about doing the deed but others want more and I just react to the each situation. This time around, it felt different. It was as if there was an emotional connection while we were lying together, possibly because it wasn't our first time together and we both knew that there might be a prospect of further meetings.

I later found out that he had split up with his boyfriend of 6 months at the end of December last year. Maybe we're both on the rebound - perhaps him more than I as I've been single for almost a year now but I'm not sure whether I'm in denial about my not being on the rebound any more. However, I know that what I felt was the beginning of love. It's happened to me before and if I've read his reactions correctly, he might be feeling the same way too.

I'm not looking for love at the moment. My head is telling me that I can't be in a committed relationship as I'm going to be relocating in about 6 months to another continent involving a 12-hour flight and it would be a really bad idea for the both of us. Please don't misunderstand, I don't have a fear of commitment. My previous relationship lasted 6 years and but for my ex's screwing around in my absence, I would have been contented to be with him for the rest of my life. It's just that I can't start anything now as we'd both end up being hurt in a few months.

We've got a dinner date next week (with or without post-prandial sex?) and I've got a few days to think about whether it's too early to tell him that we can only be friends and/or fuck buddies or whether I should leave it till later. I don't want him to misunderstand by telling him now but then again, I don't want to lead him on if we continue "dating". I really like him as a friend and a fuck-buddy but how soon do you tell someone that you don't want a serious relationship? I don't want to hurt his feelings after what happened on Saturday.

I suppose the difficulty is that this is my first relationship with started sexually. In the case of my first two boyfriends, we were friends for several months before we became lovers (I'll tell those stories in separate, future posts) and apart from knowing that what I'm feeling is the beginning of love, I'm (ironically) in virgin territory at the moment.

Why PETA?

Despite adding the PETA banner link to my blog today, I'd be the first to admit that I am by no means an animal rights activist. However, I sympathise broadly with their cause. I take the view that human beings are the highest form of life on this planet and all other living things are our resources, in some ways, no different from the non-living resources.

Before I get castigated for this view, let me explain that a number of things flow from this premise. As the highest form of living being on this planet, our existence is nevertheless not independent from the existence of all the other living things on this planet. We have a responsibility (admittedly based on self-interest) to see that all our resources, both living and non-living are properly managed so that our continued existence will not be compromised. Sorry if this sounds cold but I am a lawyer.

The category of living resources may be sub-divided into plant and animal. Leaving aside the plant sub-division for this purpose of this post, the focus falls on the animal sub-division. Some of the more fervent PETA members (and others who may not be PETA members) may chose, on grounds of conscientious objection, not to eat meat or any other animal product. That's their prerogative. However, our biology dictates otherwise. We share a similar dentition to omnivorous animals which is a very strong suggestion that we are meant to eat both plants and animals. If we were meant to eat only plant matter, we would have evolved to have a dentition similar to herbivores and likewise, if we were only meant to eat animal matter, we would have evolved to have a carnivorous dentition.

One of the consequences of the premise that human beings are the highest form of life on this planet is that we have the ability to choose, notwithstanding our evolutionary proclivity, to either accept or deny our omnivorous evolutionary heritage.

If we choose to accept our evolutionary heritage, as I do, so long as our animal resources are properly managed, there is no reason why we cannot, in good conscience, sleep well knowing that an animal has sacrificed its life for our benefit. This gives rise to 2 questions:

1. What proper management of our animal resources entails; and

2. Depending on what the answer to the first question is, whether the animal resources concerned were in fact properly managed.

To answer the first question with by organic and free-ranging farming, followed by humane slaughtering is probably overly simplistic and perhaps in some circumstances, unrealistic. There are many shades of grey to the concepts and practices of "organic", "free-range" farming and "humane slaughtering". I'm no expert in animal husbandry, farming or food production and I don't intend to get into a debate as to what these concepts and practices entail. It is a matter of conscience of each individual and so long as the animal matter consumed does not cause you to lose sleep because your conscience is troubling you about how the animal was farmed and slaughtered, then the minutiae of these concepts and practices is largely irrelevant.

In some circumstances where the farming and slaughtering of animals is clearly unconscionable but the cost is the loss of human life by starvation - would this be acceptable as proper management of animal resources? Animal rights activists who do not lack food alternatives would no doubt find it easy to take the view that the unconscionable farming and slaughtering of animals does not amount to proper management of animal resources under any circumstances. Would they still be standing on their moral high ground if they had no non-animal food alternatives and death by starvation was a certainty? At what point, if at all, would they be prepared to renouce their moral objections to the farming and slaughtering of animals at the expense of their own lives?

As a human being, I find it very difficult to believe that any my fellow human beings would be prepared to sacrifice their lives so that an animal could be saved from the dinner table. It would be under very exceptional circumstances that a human being would sacrifice his life for another and I would imagine that it would be under the most exceptional of exceptional circumstances that a human being would be prepared to sacrifice his life for an animal. It is for the same reason that even self-proclaimed animal lovers are prepared to euthanise animals whereas the practice of euthanasia on human beings is still very much a taboo, not to mention, illegal in many jurisdictions.

The second question is probably easier to answer as it is essentially a factual inquiry, as opposed to a moral inquiry which is the first question. Once the answer to the first question has been determined, the second question can be simply answered with reference to the standards imposed by the answer to the first question.

The more astute readers among you will have noticed that while I have suggested how the two questions could be answered, I have not actually ventured to suggest any specific answers to those questions. I have, actually alluded to an answer earlier in this post. I believe that it is a matter of conscience for each individual. There is a danger to adopting a very high moral ground on this issue as it is easier to fall into hypocrisy from a high moral ground than a lower moral ground.

So much for animals as food. What about animals as pets?

Most people who keep animals as pets would never think of them as food in ordinary circumstances but in the face of starvation would you eat the family dog?

Admittedly, it would be very difficult to eat something which you have formed an emotional attachment to. The loss, and the manner of the loss would be emotionally traumatic.

On the other hand, farming families have to deal with this type of loss as a regular part of their lives. It is possible that they deal with this in a number of ways. One way is to treat the farmed animals as purely animal resources, that is to say, have no emotional attachment to them whatsoever (apart from the way that an individual may have an emotional attachment to a valuable non-living asset). Where emotional attachment may be unavoidable, the individual may nevertheless understand and accept that the animal has been farmed and will be slaughtered in a way that his conscience will not be troubled and be grateful for the life of the animal which has been sacrificed for his continued existence.

As I indicated earlier in this blog, I generally have no qualms about eating meat. That said, I wouldn't eat the family pet, especially not one as cute and loveable as the puppy in the picture. It may be easier for me to say this as I don't have a pet but if I do have one in the future, I hope that I will never find myself in a situation where I have to decide between my life (or the life of a human being I love) and the life of a pet to which I am emotionally attached. Where the choice is between the life of a human being I love and the life of a pet, the choice is clear. Choosing the life of a pet over the life of another human being might even be a criminal offence! However, where the choice is between my own life and the life of a beloved pet, the choice is not so clear. At least for me it isn't.

A Work In Progress

The more alert readers of this blog will notice that I have added a new link to the "Other Blogs I Like" section of my blog and also a banner link to PETA at the bottom of the page.

This blog is an ongoing work in progress albeit that progress being somewhat irregular. Most other bloggers will know that regular blogging is a very time-consuming activity and I try to add content whenever I can. There are currently only 2 links to other blogs but these are by no means the only ones I read on a somewhat regular basis. I used to be able to visit all the blogs I like once a week but there are now too many and I don't know how often I will be able to visit them. I will add links to the blogs I like whenever something on those blogs interests me enough to prompts me to add something to my blog (in addition to such events in my life which I record in this blog). The only exception is the existing link to My Kahil. Kahil is a guy who, to a large extent, shares the same outlook on life that I do (even though we probably live very different lives) which is why his was the first link to appear on my blog. More about that in a separate blog entry sometime in the future (hopefully I will remember to write about it).

Equus - Alan Straang "Revealed"


The current production of Equus at the Gielguld Theatre in London has generated its share of interest and controversy. Apart from the theatre-going cognoscenti, interest in the production is largely from the world-wide gay community (or at least that my perception from the appears to be from the gay-content blogs I've seen) and centres on Daniel Radcliffe, the erstwhile child actor who plays Harry Potter on silver screen.

From a strictly gay point of view, I can understand the interest. The child actor is now a man There is nothing about his physique that would lead you to think he was a child. I'm a "treasure-trail" man myself and many of the initial pictures of Daniel Radicliffe ended somewhat abruptly at the waist but nevertheless showed a very tantalising trail which left me weak at the knees. So far this is the only picture which I've found with a full frontal (thanks to fellow blogger Brenton Parry of Aussielicious). There's been differing views on Aussielicious as to whether the photograph is genuine but I leave you make up your own mind as to whether it is or isn't.

The controvery surrounding the production stems from the fact that he is currently 17 (and won't be 18 until July - if the information on IMDB is correct). The age of consent (for gay sex) in the UK is currently 16 although it might still be a criminal offence to show naked pictures of minors. I don't know for sure but obviously, the authorities have not done anything to stop the production, knowing Daniel Radcliffe's age so it's probably alright.

The brighter readers among you will immediate realise that the age of consent argument is a non sequitur - just because you're old enough to have gay sex doesn't necessarily mean that you're old enough to have nude pictures of yourself published. It's the same way that a 14 year old female (in some jurisdictions) can consent to sex with a male but showing naked pictures of her in public still amounts to kiddie porn.

The age of majority in the UK is generally 18 so does Equus fall into the category of "kiddie porn"? I don't plan to answer that question - this is the reason why this blog is called "The Many Shades of Grey".

I Was Wrong

I admit it.

I was wrong about which of the guys I said would get kicked out first on American Idol earlier this week.

Don't be mistaken, I don't agree with who got kicked out. All I'm admitting to is having backed the wrong horse, as it were. Not that I had put any money on it - I didn't vote as I don't live in the USA but I didn't think Rudy Cardenas deserved it have been kicked out. What's not to like about his performance of Free Ride? I'll let him have his "free ride" with me any time he wants. Between the singing and the hip-gyrating, his performance was really hot. Between him and Sanjaya, I thought the choice was clear. After Michael Jackson, I thought that the American pop music-listening public had had enough of these androgynous types but apparently they want more! Unfortunately all this at the expense of my boy Rudy.

Hey Rudy, I'm sorry your American Idol journey ended so soon. Best of luck with M-Pact and your singing career. If you ever put out a CD, I'll buy it.

As you'll see from the watermarks, all pictures are from the American Idol website.








21 February 2007

The Boys of American Idol 2007

I watched American Idol today and here's who I think ought to be the final 6 guys to be part of the last 12:

1. Blake Lewis - wouldn't kick him out of bed
2. Chris Richardson - the cutest of all the boys tonight
3. Jared Cotter - could he be Shayne Ward's long-lost brother?
4. Nicholas Pedro - his eyebrows are so "done" they're distracting
5. Rudy Cardenas - cute smile
6. Phil Stacey - cute but married - happily too, it would appear

I'll admit that my choices were not based entirely on the singing (although singing ability was an important consideration for me) but each guy's cuteness factor was also taken into consideration. I think there are more cute guys this season than previously. I don't remember there being more than perhaps 1 or 2 cute guys (to me anyway) in the last few years. Last season, the only cute guys were David Radford and Elliot Yamin. Sorry, Ace Young didn't do it for me at all, regardless of whether the rumours of his being gay were true.

What I really think of Simon Cowell is irrelevant but he did make some valid points about the singing and song choices. Sanjaya's choice was really bad, not to mention his androgynous appearance. I think he should be one of the two guys to be ditched this week. The other guy which ought to be ditched this week should be either Chris Sligh or Sundance Head. Chris Sligh looks like a young Meatloaf and his song choice tonight added to that image. I'd be more inclined to give Chris Sligh another chance next week rather than Sundance Head. I didn't think Sundance did all that well during Hollywood Week and he's very lucky to have made it to the final 24. This really ought to be the end for him.

Hmmmmm..............




Don't you just love a man in uniform? Especially when the man is as cute as Jonathan Togo, who plays CSI Ryan Wolffe on CSI Miami. The dream I described in the previous post is still very much on my mind and when I saw Jonathan on CSI Miami, he reminded me how much he and my first boyfriend has very similar eyes. It's nothing to do with the colour of the eyes but the look. I don't really know how to describe it but those eyes just make me weak at the knees. There's something very intense yet vulnerable in that gaze which just pushes all my buttons.

Another cute guy with a very similar gaze is Bradley Cooper who's on Kitchen Confidential and formerly on Alias. In Bradley's case, it's not just his eyes that make me weak in the knees but almost everything about him - his smile, the shape of his head, his hair, his body, his stubble, his fuzzy chest..... I could go on and on. That's not to say that I don't think that anything else about Jonathan Togo apart from his eyes is attractive to me. Quite the contrary. He's very physically attractive to me but in a different way but still no less attractive. I'd not be able to choose between the two. Here's some pictures of Bradley and perhaps you can spot the similarities between him and Jonathan. They don't look alike but something about their gaze and their smile simply makes me wild for them both.

So what is it that makes them attractive to me? I don't have the answer to that, unfortunately. Perhaps it's something to do with our evolutionary origins but does it really matter what the reason is? Probably not.


20 February 2007

More dreams and time for a rethink?

I visited two spas over my extended weekend break and had a few very enjoyable encounters. The first visit was on Friday night. It was "Go Natural" night at the spa and everyone was naked. There was a fairly good crowd which made for good cruising and I was groped and fondled by all sorts. Admittedly did my share of groping and fondling and ended up having 3 different encounters with some guys who'd I'd been eyeing the course of the evening. As you will have guessed, there will not be any graphic descriptions of my sexual encounters. You will be able to imagine what it is that horny gay men do with each other but in my case, nothing extreme.

On Saturday (Freudian slip, I nearly typed "Satyrday") night, I had another erotic dream. It might have had something to do with my night of sweating sexual encounters on Friday but I don't know. The dream was about my first boyfriend, R. We started dating while at university and then moved to London together. We were together for 4 years before he had to go home to Canada. I couldn't follow because of work and we reluctantly had to break it off. That was before same-sex marriages were legal in Canada or we'd have tried to make it work. In my dream, we were kissing making love and it felt so real. In my dream I could feel his touch, his kisses, his body against mine, the familiar lines of his body, the shape of his hard cock and his smell. It really brought back a cascade of memories, especially the smell of him. It was as if we'd never been apart. The dream brought back feels which I've not had for quite some time now even though I've been having sexual encounters almost on a weekly basis but it's never the same with a stranger. That said, I don't think I ever want to have sex with my last boyfriend again, the one who was two-timing me and with whom I broke up with about a year ago (it will be a year in March). I think I'd rather fuck an inflatable doll.

Having the dream has made me wonder whether I should start looking for a new boyfriend. As I wrote in an earlier post, my life is too unsettled at the moment and if I'm right about what's going to happen in a few months, I'm going to be having to relocate to another continent and that's not going to be good start for a any new relationship.

The dream with my first boyfriend and its vividness had been on my mind for a few days and it was making me constantly horny so I decided to go to another spa last night. This one wasn't having a "nude night" although it had replaced the usual dim lighting with ultraviolet lights which made all the white towels glow. This time around, I wasn't too greedy and left after cumming twice. I didn't manage to re-capture the feeling in my dream with my anonymous encounters but then again, I wasn't expecting to. I just needed a warm body to hold and to help relieve my sexual tension. I still can't forget that dream and I might need to go and relieve my sexual tension again this weekend with more anonymous encounters.

Until then, I leave you with some pictures of Reese Rideout, on his own and with other boys. He is supposedly straight and might not be my Mr Right. Even if he was gay, I think he's also way out of my dating league (what would such a hot guy like Reese see in an average-looking guy like me - perhaps I have self-esteem issues - will explore that in a future post) but in any case, there's no reason why he can't be my Mr Right Now.


















A New (Lunar) Year

Today is the third day of the Chinese Lunar New Year. The baking was completed last weekend. As promised, the recipe for Death By Cholesterol is below. It's actually a semolina (or sugee) cake but it uses lots of eggs and butter. Most recipes call for brandy but I've found that since it uses ground almonds, Amaretto is a far better substitute. Be warned, this is not a cake recipe for beginners!

Sugee Cake
140g semolina
6 large eggs: use all of the yolks and keep only 3 egg whites
180g sugar
125g butter
30g self-raising flour
50g ground almonds (with skins)
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
4 tablespoons Amaretto
5 tablespoons milk

Dry roast the semolina in a pan over a low heat until lightly very lightly browned and fragrant. Leave to cool. Cream the butter and 150g sugar. Slowly add in the milk, half the Amaretto and vanilla extract. Beat eggs and remaining 30g sugar and later, add remaining vanilla and Amaretto. Stir in semolina and let stand covered overnight in the fridge. The next day, remove from refrigerator to return to room temperature before proceeding further. Mix in flour and ground almonds. Whisk egg whites to stiff peaks and then fold in to batter. Pour batter in a double-lined loaf tin and bake for 40 mins at 150 Celsius.

This is only one of the many cholesterol laden cakes and biscuits which I've been eating over the last few days and I think I've put on weight already. Yesterday I went to the gym and I think I will need to go 3 times this week, rather than my usual two.

It's back to work for me tomorrow and it's been nice to have this very extended weekend. What else it is I've been doing over the last few days will be in a separate post.

04 February 2007

Wonderful Smells


The Lunar New Year is fast approaching and I returned to the family home this weekend for the pre-festivity preparations. For the most part, this means the making of various biscuits and cakes which are only baked once a year not only because they are linked to the festivities but some of them are so high in cholesterol that eating them more frequently would be like getting into the fast lane to Heart Attack City. More about these "death by cholesterol" foods in a forthcoming post but among the cakes and biscuits which are usually made one of my modern favourites (not really traditional but very nice anyway) are the chocolate chip cookies. The recipe which I usually use is what's otherwise known as the Neiman Marcus "urban myth".

The urban myth probably started circulating in the early 1990s and is allegedly to do with an incident where, as something of a fait accompli, someone paid an extortionate amount of money for Neiman Marcus' chocolate chip cookie recipe and was so incensed that as an act of revenge, the recipe was circulated on the internet. Neiman Marcus has denied this and have now published the original recipe on their website for all to enjoy.

I've tried both recipes and I prefer the taste of the urban myth better. No doubt others who have tried both will disagree but we all have different tastes. If you've not tasted either or both, the "urban myth" recipe is below. Try them both and decide for yourself. The "urban myth" recipe below is only the half recipe as the original recipe makes too many cookies for all but the most fanactical cookie lover.

For both recipes, it is possible to substitue some of the flour with ground oats and/or cocoa and to add roughly chopped nuts (walnuts and pecans usually work best)with or without changing the proportion of the chocolate chips. Feel free to use chopped chocolate (the sort with at least 70% cocoa is always nice) instead of chocolate chips. Both recipes freeze well prior to baking. This can be done by putting the cookie dough onto a piece of clingfilm and then rolling it up like a sausage and then freezing it. To bake, simply remove the clingfilm and cut into transverse sections and place on a baking tray.

Depending on how much cookie dough there is and how big you want your cookies, you may end up with several clingfilm cookie dough "sausages". Don't panick if the cookie dough may not have a very solid consistency. It may be more like a batter but that's fine. Either way, it usually turns out delicious after baking.


The Chocolate Chip Cookie Urban Myth
Ingredients:
1 cup unsalted butter
12 oz chocolate chips
2½ cups self-raising flour
2 teaspoons mixed spice
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup fine white sugar
8 oz chopped chocolate
2 cups blended oatmeal
2 eggs
1½ cups chopped nuts

Method:
Measure oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla and when well blended, add in with flour, oatmeal and mixed spice. Add chocolate chips, chopped chocolate, and nuts. Drop dough on to a baking tray and bake for about 12 minutes at 375 degrees Fahrenheit, depending on whether you prefer them crisp or chewy.

The uncooked cookie dough can be frozen for several months. Place the dough on clingfilm and roll up like a sausage. When required, cut the dough sausage into transverse sections and lay each piece on the baking tray to be baked.

From my own experience, I've found that it's best to freeze the dough before baking as it makes it a lot easier to handle.